The advantages of having a big mouth

steve-tylerYes ok – I have been accused of that, but only in the proverbial sense of being rather outspoken. Not in the sense of being a snitch  – ‘you have a big mouth’ said in a rather ominous way – or in the sense of being ‘mouthy’. I do like a good swear – not in an excessive way, but as a colourful addition to lend weight to a bloody good sentence! And with my regrettably posh accent I seem to get away with it nicely.

No – I’m talking about the literal sense of actually having a big mouth and what advantages it may hold. Now I refuse to go down the predictably smutty avenue – you can go down that road if you desire, but do it on your lonesome.

I guess an unusually large mouth is good for party tricks and possibly the guinness book of records. How many tennis balls can you cram in. Hear everyone gasp as you make your fist disappear into your face. My drummer Sam has an exceedingly large gob and can actually do this. In fact I reckon you can fit a small bungalow in there. Luckily he never got peckish on tour and swallowed the caravan. With us inside it. A musical version of Moby Dick. Imagine the head-lines. Band members mysteriously disappear. Drummer looks guilty. Also – stolen caravan.

Anyhoo – I actually started thinking about this while I was at the dentist (I refuse to call them ‘hygienists’ – makes it sound like you’re getting your nails done) having my bi-annual cleaning session. Whilst he was scraping and buzzing away with my jaw at full stretch, and getting that little spasm that lets you know it’s time to snap shut, it came to me that life must be much easier for dentists when their clients have a nice big gob. He tittered at that, as did the dental nurse. ‘It’s true’, he laughed. ‘Though the biggest problem is an oversized tongue!’ That had honestly never occurred to me. ‘It’s the most powerful muscle in the human body’, he added, ‘and it can be like wrestling a walrus!’ Blimey.

‘Another problem’, he confided, ‘is when people have a very active saliva gland. It’s like trying to do dental work in a swimming pool.’ I can just see him in diving mask and snorkel and the dental nurse in a full length shiny mac brandishing her saliva sucky thing. ‘We’re ready Mr. Jones. We’re coming in.’

If you can think of any other large mouth advantages (NOT smutty ones!) then please let me know. Surely there must be more…..

My lodger Dean wanted me to add: ‘You can fit more cake in!’

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