cartoon-automated-phone_Every now and then I feel the itch to write a blog about automated phone lines – usually when I’ve had to endure one and my head is about to explode! I’ve resisted purely on the grounds that it would be an enormous whinge, and who needs that.

So instead, I’m hypothetically designing the most irritating possible ‘Upside Down World Order Line’ in case I ever want to lose all of my listeners in one fell swoop.

Get ready and dial that number….

‘’Hello and thank you for calling the Upside Down World automated order line. Did you know that you can also order online at and contact us by email. If you wish to continue please listen to following menu.

‘’If you have ordered Upside Down World before please press 1 so we can try to sell you everything else under the sun.’’
‘’If you are a new customer please press 2.’’
‘’Welcome to the new customer menu!”
‘’If you would like to order The Violet Hour please press 1’’
‘’If you would like to order the Acoustic Album please press 2’’
‘’If you would like to order If please press 3’’
‘’If you would like to order Holy Cow please press 4’’
‘’If you would like to order the DB album please press 5’’
‘’If you would like to order The Last adventure please press 6’’
‘’If you would like to order Not Utopia please press 7’’
‘’If you would like to order any Merchandise please press 8’’
‘’If you would like to order Upside Down World please press 9’’

‘’Thank you’’
‘’Did you know that Doris Brendel is interested in tropical fish, rhumba dancing and nose picking?’’
‘’If you wish to find out more about tropical fish please press 1’’
‘’To find out more about Rhumba dancing please press 2’’
‘’For a shared interest in nose picking please press 3’’
‘’To continue with your order please hold.’’

‘’Thank you.
‘’If you would like to order multiple albums please say YES clearly now.’’
‘’I’m sorry we didn’t catch your answer. Please repeat it clearly now.’’
‘’I’m sorry we still didn’t catch your answer. Returning you to the main menu.”

‘’Welcome to the Upside Down World order line. Your call is important to us.
‘’If you wish make an order please press 1’’
‘’If you’re completely hacked off by now and wish to make a complaint please press 2’’
‘’Thank you for ringing the complaints department. You are in a queue and will be answered as soon as an operative becomes available.’’
….. Musak…..
‘’Sorry to keep you on hold. There isn’t anyone here and the complaints department doesn’t actually exist, but we’ll keep pretending for a while longer. Your call is important to us.”
…. Same Musak on a loop…
‘’Thank you for holding. You have moved up the queue and your call will be answered shortly’’
… More musak… feeling vaguely suicidal….
”Thank you for holding. Your call is important to us. We are now going to cut you off.’’

How’s that?! Do I win the award for turning the nation into homicidal maniacs?
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Upside Down World Vinyl

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