How to deal with cold callers.

steampunk-telephoneAnd get them to take you off their list once and for all!

Don’t you just hate it when you get a spate of cold callers trying to sell you something or other, usually by a pushy person with a foreign accent, who won’t take no for an answer.

Historically I’ve just responded rudely and put the phone down pretty swiftly, but recently I’ve been having a little fun with it. So here are a few ideas on how to deal with cold callers.


‘Hello! How lovely of you to call.’ ‘Oh I very much doubt you can get our bill down. You see, we generate our own here. With feces.’ ‘Yes indeed! Everyone in the company joins in you know. We have a communal throne which goes directly into the generator.’ ‘Smells a bit, but you can’t have everything.’ ‘You should come down and I’ll give you a tour. But make sure to eat plenty of roughage before you come. We’ll take anyone’s poo.’ ‘Hello?….. Hello?’

‘You can undercut our electric bill you say? I don’t think so. We use hamsters you see.’ ‘Yes – we have a dedicated hamster-wheel farm which powers the entire building. And our sister-company makes delicious hamster pie.’ ‘Never had it?! You’re missing out. Lovely with a bit of cranberry mousse. Give me your name & address and I’ll get them to send you some samples.’ ‘Hello..?’


‘You can get our PPI back? That would be AMAZING! I’m so glad you called.’ ‘You do realise we have a LOT of accounts.’ ‘The more the merrier? Excellent! So glad you called.’ ‘You do realise this is Barclays head office?’ ‘Hello?’


‘You can provide us with a new phone that has tons of extra features? How lovely!’ ‘We’ve been meaning to get a new system – ours is getting ever so tatty, but we just haven’t found the right one.’ ‘You say you can get anything? Perfect. Then we’d like to order a new set of dyslexic phones please.’ ‘You must know what they are! We only hire dyslexic people as they’re far more artistic we find. But all the numbers have to be in the wrong place. We found an increase of 324% in people dialling the right number first time.’ ‘Hello…?’

‘A new phone system? So glad you called. Ours is totally disintegrating. We only use bio-degradable phones you see.’ ‘You haven’t heard of them? You need to get with the times my man! Ours are made from macaroni.’ ‘Hello….?’


‘We desperately need new windows! About 85 of them. Yes indeed.’ ‘Not sure you’ll have them in the right size though..’ ‘You do all sizes? Fabulous. Hang on – just getting out the measuring tape. 11x29cm please.’ ‘Dolls house?! Don’t be so insulting. I appreciate we’re a minority in Lilliput but there’s no need to be sizeist!’ ‘Hello?’

‘Double-glazing?! I live in a cave.’


‘Oooh hello. So nice to hear a voice. I’m so lonely you know. And my bunions have been really playing up. You wouldn’t BELIEVE the size of my piles either. I can barely sit down. I’ve had to get a special cushion. Got it from Debenhams. But there was SUCH a queue! Had to have a little sit on the floor. And then I wet myself. But they still let me have the cushion – bless them. Oh dear. My dog has thrown up all over my slippers. He’s 12 you know. And ever so poorly. ………’

‘Hello? Hello? I can’t hear you! Hang on! Can you repeat that please? HELLLLLO!!!! No – still can’t hear you. Can you repeat that?! REPEAT THAT PLEASE!!! Nope. Still nothing. WHAT?!!!…..’

Burst into tears. Keep sobbing.

‘You want to speak to Mrs Canning? I’m ever so sorry. Haven’t you heard? She chopped up a cold caller with an axe… Don’t think she’ll be out for a while…’

‘Herro. Gleen Dwagon Chinese Restaurant. What nummer you wann?’

‘Hello? Brent Trading Standards Department? Can I help you?’


That’ll do for now. Further suggestions always welcome..

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